I can't help it, I love you
by Hisagis123
Summary: The worst part was that even though he knew it wasn't bound to happen he couldn't help yearning for it.
1. Chapter 1

Getting more comfortable in the bench, I ignored the signal of little battery in my console and kept playing. I could perceive how my surroundings were getting darker and my console screen brighter. After a while just when I was about to win this round the screen shut down. I frowned. I knew I didn't have much battery left but I still thought that it would last longer. Letting out a sight I looked at the first stars appearing in the sky. It was getting late. Impatient, I searched around for Kuroo's characteristic smile and bed head. He was nowhere to be found. I saved my console in my backpack. Then, fishing out my cellphone from my pocket I called him, but it sent me directly to voicemail. I frowned again. What was taking him so long?

We were on our way home from volleyball practice. I was tired and sticky from the sweat, nowhere near a good mood. All I wanted was to get home and take a long relaxing bath. As usual Kuroo and I were walking home together, we are neighbors after all. But to my dismay He remembered that he had to buy eggs, three blocks after the last convenience store in our way. So, after a quick sorry, he told me to wait for him in this bench. I could've accompanied him, but I´m too lazy, plus is not the first time we've been through this.

Desperate, I looked at the hour again. What was so difficult about buying eggs? I stood up with the intention of leaving Kuroo behind. It´s not like our homes are far away from here, we are pretty close actually, about 5 blocks away. However something stopped me. I couldn't help feeling a little guilty. If it was me the one who forgot, he would've come with me. He's always nice to me. I on the other hand act as if he's not there half of the time, and the other half he has to deal with my moods. I groaned quietly at my thoughts. For some reason, I had the feeling that I would regret being nice, but I shrugged it aside and made my way to the convenience store.

As soon as I entered I was hit by the cool air of the air conditioner, making me chilly. Ignoring the sensation I quickly scanned the store looking for him. Puzzled that I couldn't spot him. I got further into the store checking the aisles. While checking the second one I could hear his distinct loud laugh. A laugh that has many times make my heart skip a beat, and butterflies revolt in my stomach. However, this time It made frown. Was he talking to someone? Did he forget I was waiting? Annoyed, I made my way to the next aisle with the intention of telling him that we if he didn't hurry I would go. However, I stopped in my tracks the moment I caught a glimpse to who he was talking so animatedly to. I felt my stomach drop, and my heart beating more loudly. Suddenly breathing was getting more and more difficult. My hands started sweating. And I could feel myself getting more upset the longer I watched. I forced my legs to move and got out of the store as fast as I could.

I knew the girl. Heck, I would recognize her anywhere. Takahashi Rin, a pretty girl in my grade of long auburn hair and big dark brown eyes. Known for her bubbly personality and ability in the piano. I still remember how upset I was when Kuroo told me he liked her. After that, I couldn't help stalking her a bit. But after while I calmed down, after I realized that Kuroo had no relation with her whatsoever or so I thought.

I laughed at how pathetic I was. Trembling and in the verge of tears just because he was talking to her. It wasn't like they were dating or anything. It could even be their first time talking! But my insecurities were overwhelming. I knew this would happen, but I never expected to be so soon. It didn't matter if I was his best friend, I knew, I couldn't be by his side forever. Sooner or later he would find a woman he would love. A woman he would like to marry and start a family with. Something he could never have with me. The worst of all is that even though I have that fact crystal clear I couldn't help yearning for it. Waiting that one day he would wake up and realize he is gay for me. Confessing his feelings and embracing me in his arms. But things were not like that. I felt my cheeks getting wet. It´s the first time I cried about this in years. After four long year I thought I had come in terms with it, but maybe I was just suppressing it all. Avoiding my feelings, ignoring the fact that they were slowly accumulating. Waiting for a moment of weakness to burst out. Suddenly aware that Kuroo could come in any moment, I realized that I didn't want him to see me like this. He wouldn't leave me alone until I told him why I was crying. Knowing him he wouldn't hate me for it, instead he would blame himself for not being able to correspond my feelings. He would try his best to act normal but little by little we would drift apart until we become strangers. Life without Kuroo would be miserable. Just the thought of it made me cry harder making it more difficult to breath. No, I wouldn't let that happen, I would take this secret to grave with me.

I forced myself to move and after the first steps It became easier, and faster than I thought I would, I ran with everything I had. Avoiding everything and leaving it behind. Before I knew it I was taking my keys out of my backpack to open the door to my house. My hands were shaking making the simple task seem impossible. After struggling for what it felt like hours I made it inside. The darkness welcomed me home. Not bothering to turn the lights on, I dropped my backpack on the floor. Took my shoes off and went directly to my room on the second floor. The moment I got to bed I let myself cry to sleep.

When I opened my eyes, I felt like shit. My head hurt from crying, my eyes were puffy and my throat sore. What made it worse was the fact that I didn't bath last night. I felt clammy, dirty and I was sure I stank. The last thing I wanted to do was to get up. But then I remembered Kuroo had this bad habit of barging in to my room to make sure I´m going to school. If I let that happen, I´m sure he´ll notice something is wrong with me. Taking a deep breath, I finally found the strength to stand up. Took some pills for my headache and drank 3 glasses of water because I sure was thirsty. Then, I took a long shower and put some pants on.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was surprised to see that I looked normal. I felt ten times better It was as if the water washed my worries away. I took my towel drying my wet hair when the door suddenly opened reveling an enthusiastic Kuroo with a silly grin plastered in his face. He stopped suddenly seemingly surprised of not finding me in bed. He looked around until he spotted me under the door frame of my bathroom. He looked at me curiously If I didn't know any better I would even think he was checking me out. But I was realistic and I was perfectly aware that's not the case.

"Hey" I greeted him like any other day

"Hey" He answered. Then grinning at me like the idiot he is, he came closer to me and putting his hands over mine startling me with the sudden contact. He rubbed my hair with the towel. "It's a nice surprise to see you awake."

My heart skipped a beat at his actions and I could feel myself enchanted by the sweetness in his voice. I desperately wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him senseless. I pulled my hands down letting him dry my hair. "For some reason I woke early and couldn't get back to sleep"

He hummed at my response and after a short pause he asked "Did you have a nightmare?"

I shrugged at his question, I didn't have a nightmare but yesterday sure felt like one. He smirked at me and in a teasing voice he added "You know, you can always ask me to sleep with you if you are scared."

"Shut up"

He chuckled at my answer. Suddenly he got serious "Yesterday I didn't see any lights on. Is your mother here?"

"She is coming back tomorrow"

He looked at me disapprovingly "Why didn't you wait for me yesterday? We could've have dinner together"

I looked at him directly and answered "I was tired and you were taking too long. My console even died!"

He seemed taken aback and then I could see his cheeks getting an adorable red tint. A little flustered he avoided my eyes. "Sorry, I lost track of time"

"I noticed" I huffed

"Sorry about that. I should've call you. It's just-"He paused, as if he was unsure on whether to tell me or not "It´s just that I met Takahashi yesterday." His face got redder as he looked away "I asked her out"

I thanked God that Kuroo was embarrassed and looked away because in that exact moment I felt my world fall apart. I felt sadness and anger consume me little by little. But more than anything I felt the need to hide my ugly self from Kuroo I was so upset that I knew that I couldn't hide my expression so I looked down and brushed Kuroo's hands off my head. Turning my back to him I made my way to my closet and grabbed my shirt. I took a deep breath and killing myself slowly I let the lie out in a slightly teasing tone "Then I guess leaving me was worth it. You sure were productive."

"It sure was"

I didn't have to look at him to know he was smiling. A crushing feeling overcame me by the fact that he just admitted that it was worth it leaving me behind. It felt like slap into a reality. He really likes this girl, and little by little I´ll become less and less important to him. But as long as I´m able to keep our relationship through the years I´ll endure it. "You can wait for me downstairs if you want I'm almost ready"

There was a long pause for a moment I thought he would ignore my passive-aggressive way to tell him to leave, but he agreed and left my room. As soon as he closed the door I felt myself collapse. Even though the last thing I want to happen is for him to find out I wasn't sure I could keep acting as if nothing is wrong with me.


	2. Chapter 2

I was surprised on how easy it was to act as if nothing was happening. Not because I'm a great actor or something like that, but because Kuroo has been so engrossed with Rin that he doesn't notice my mood swings. I never thought that I would thank god that he is too lovestruck. I mean, I hate it. I would prefer him to like me. But I know that's not happening any time soon. I'm sure I heard somewhere that there can't be two glories together. Sadly, this time my only glory was the fact that he had no idea of how I felt about him. After my little breakdown that morning, around two weeks ago, everything was surprisingly normal. Ok, not really. Now Kuroo spends half of his day texting this girl and talks A LOT about her. However, I've learned to act as if I'm listening even though I'm not. I prefer not to.

I have a feeling that Yaku has noticed what's going on with me. He has thrown my way a couple of sympathetic glances, but hasn't commented about it. I'm thankful for that. As for everyone else in the team, they seem clueless. I hope it stays that way.

We were at the gym, about to start practice. Kai, Yamamoto and Fukunaga were discussing something I couldn't distinguish. Yaku and Kuroo were giving Lev some pointers on how to receive and the rest for the team were starting to warm up. I was observing from afar with the intention of joining Kuro and Yaku, so I could avoid warming up for a little longer. When Lev suddenly stopped paying attention to what his senpais where telling him. A teasing smirk plastered on his face, he stood at his full height as he turned at Kuroo.

"Senpai~ You have a visitor!" Lev exclaimed teasing, loud and clear so everyone at the gym could hear, while pointing at the entrance.

I followed his finger with my eyes. Quickly recognizing Kuroo's visitor. I frowned, but quickly composed myself into a blank face. The gym suddenly went quiet. Until Yamamoto started complaining on how unfair it was, and everyone started teasing Kuroo. It wasn't until Nekomata coach made everyone shut up and go on with their lives that Kuroo made his way to Rin.

What is she doing here? I thought to myself. I couldn't help feeling a little invaded. Volleyball practice is the only time I get break of her. This was my sacred time. The only time where Kuroo wasn't thinking about her. Nekomata coach scolded me for not warming up with everyone else. I started to warm up but I couldn't tear my gaze from them. I was dying of curiosity. When Kuroo came back, everyone taunted him. Making him groan and beg for everyone to shut up. They didn't stop of course. But Kuroo maintained his mouth shut, not reveling what they talked about.

It wasn't until practice was over that I found out why she came. As I said goodbye to everybody I waited for Kuroo to close the gym. So we could walk back home together. As we had done for the last 4-5 years.

"Kenma…" I tore my gaze from my phone, to look at him. His back was facing me as he struggled to close the rusty lock. I hummed to let him know I was paying attention, while turning back my eyes to my phone's screen "You think you could walk by yourself today?"

I blinked twice. It took me a second to process what he said. I looked at him. He had already finished locking the door but he stayed still without turning to face me. "What?" I asked hoping with all my might that I heard wrong.

Kuroo seemed to know that I heard. Because instead of repeating himself, he explained. "Rin wants me to take her home. Maybe stop for dinner together." He turned around and looked at me waiting for an answer, not getting any, he continued. "She waited for me even though she had no club activities."

"No, I don't want to" I said accidentally out loud. Immediately regretting it. Kuroo looked at me clearly bewildered. I'm sure he didn't expect that, neither did I. Normally I'm careful with my words. Getting my shit together, I laughed a little and smirked teasingly "You should've seen the look in your face! Why are you even asking me? I'm not your mom." He kept looking at me confused, so I smiled slightly and nudged him to go.

After a second his face broke into the brightest grin. Shattering my heart into little pieces. "You got me stupid! For a second I thought you were serious. See ya tomorrow" With no further ado he left.

I walked behind him in a slower pace cursing myself. That was a close one. From afar I could see when they met. Kuroo gave her a peck on the cheek and hand in hand, talking animatedly, they left together.

At first I didn't know how to feel. I knew I was hurting but along that feeling there was something else. While walking home almost like a zombie. I started replaying everything that had happened the last few weeks. Anger started to flow through my veins. Why is Kuroo like that!? Why can't he realize how much I like him!? Why is he so clueless!?

Realizing the how unfair my thoughts were becoming, I took a deep breath. I reminded myself that all of this was my fault. It was me who decided to hide these feelings from him. It was me who decided to support him no matter what. It was me who started to like him. It was always me. He had nothing to do with it. I couldn't blame him for my own stupidity. I started getting frustrated at myself. Why couldn't I be born normal? Why am I like this? Why can't I say what I feel? Why do I depend so much on him?

Without realizing it, I was already home taking my shoes off. As always, my mother wasn't home yet. I went to the kitchen, and grabbed a plate. I had the intention eating something to distract. However, when I looked at it, I lost my appetite. I started to get frustrated at myself. Why couldn't I control my feelings? Why couldn't I forget it. This frustration soon developed in anger and before I knew it, I threw the plate into the floor with all my might. Shattering it into pieces. After I realized what I did I cursed loudly, over and over again.

After some time of cursing I could calm down a little, but my head was still in a turmoil. Ignoring the mess, I had just made. I went into my room. I didn't understand what was going on. I had never felt so out of control. Taking my clothes off to shower, I cursed again after I realized that I wasn't careful enough. I had cut my left foot with a piece of glass. Leaving a trail blood behind me. Funny how I didn't even notice. I was too tired to care though. So I ignored it and I took a cold shower. It did help a little, but I was far from ok. Exhausted I covered the cut in my foot with a bandage and went to sleep.

"Hey! Hey! Kenma wake up for fuck's sake!" I struggled. I could hear someone talking to me and I felt like everything was moving. "Kenma what the fuck happened!? Kenma wake up?" When I registered what was going on, I opened my eyes. Startled to find Kuroo right in front of my face way too close for my comfort I sat up, and groggily rubbed my eyes.

"What's going on?" I asked noticing that everything was dark, being the moonlight the only thing that illuminated Kuroo's face. My gaze darted to the clock on my nightstand 11:45 p.m. I frowned "Why are you here so late at night?"

He seemed displeased at my question. "What happened?" I looked at him confused.

"What are you talking about?" He looked at me as if I knew what was going on but didn't want to tell him. Noticing that I really had no idea He let out a sight, and stood up at his full height, with his fists on his waist.

"I found a bloody mess downstairs and I worried. What happened?" After registering what he said I felt fully awake.

I avoided his eyes, but then I noticed he would eventually figure it out If I did that. I looked at him in the eye. "I dropped the plate, and when I tried to clean it, I accidentally cut my foot. Since it hurt I decided to tend my foot first and then the plate. But I kinda forgot about the mess?"

He seemed more relaxed after hearing my explanation but kept on looking at me accusingly "You are not telling me the whole truth."

I gulped at that and avoided his eyes "Maybe I didn't forget about the mess, but I got lazy so I went directly to bed."

His gaze softened. He patted my head and left his hand hanging there while he inquired. "Are you ok? Can you walk?"

Brushing his hand off, it was starting to make me nervous in a good way, I nodded. I showed him my foot. "It wasn't too bad. Just a bloody mess."

He chuckled a little "I'm glad It was nothing serious." He sat beside me on the bed.

We sat in silence for a while. Just enjoying each other's company. It's kind of funny how two hours ago, I was hating myself and him, feeling confused and desperate. However, now that he is here I feel calm. I feel home. More than when I'm in the house. I've heard that sometimes home is not a place, but a person. I used to think of that as cheesy, but right now I'm starting to think that maybe Kuroo is my home.

After some time, I got bored of looking at nothing so I turned to look at Kuroo. To my surprise He was looking right back at me. We didn't say anything. Just looked at each other. When I felt him gently passing his hand right behind my ear. Slowly, his finger traced to my earlobe and then to my neck. Giving me Chills. I couldn't read the look in his eyes. I felt like he was trying to figure me out. Slowly like magic our bodies gravitated towards the another. We both stopped a couple of inches away, as if we were insecure of what we were doing. At least I was. I could feel the smell of his shampoo, and the coolness of his hand right at my neck. But as soon as it started, it ended. Kuroo took his hand back, looked away, clearing his throat. Taking the hint, moved away from him.

"You never told me why you came"

Standing up, he looked at the door and then back at me. "When I came home my mother told me she heard something. She asked me to check out what was going on. I ringed the bell a dozen times but you never came. I got a little worried so I went to check the kitchen window, you left the light on by the way, when I saw the mess and the blood. I freaked out, so I used my emergency key. Do you know how worried sick I was!?" He suddenly looked upset at me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't meant to worry you."

He rolled his eyes and turned "Whatever, Now that I know you are alive I'll go back home." Before leaving he turned one last time "Don't make me worry again" with that he left.


End file.
